It’s not that I fear prayer itself. Well, that would be plain silly.
When the scriptures tell me to go to the hidden place, to seek out the space less sought, to remove myself from the chaos and the noise and the distractions, I welcome the invitation. It’s not prayer that I fear.
What I fear is man. Or in most cases, woman. What I fear are the words I speak audibly; the ones spilling out of my mouth that are better left unsaid. They really are just sounds and blends and yet, once verbalized they cannot be taken back. The spoken word has such power. Power that, when usurped carelessly, can crush and wound or empower and encourage.
He knows my heart, yet those that look at the outside, those that simply hear the words and react, are unable to see the intent, the thoughts, the desires I desperately wish to speak.
Unfortunately, I lack eloquent speech and divinely inspired verbiage (I didn’t even know that was a word). The ability to express and truly portray myself- that gift was administered to another. I have so many thoughts rolling around in this little mind of mine; so many cares and needs, ideas, and reflections of praise. Why can’t I simply speak and be understood- because I’m not a walking lexicon. He says, “Let there be light” and all of creation obeys. I utter phrase upon phrase and yet neglect to verbalize the heart behind the mess.
It’s all there, and He knows. But do you? Do they? And do my words come close to articulating the spirit behind the terminology?
And so I choose to pray alone. I choose to sit before Him, solely Him, because He knows me so intimately. His love for me is so unrestricted that nothing audible could ever come between that love and His child.
So when you ask me to pray with you, and I seem a little quiet, and my words remain few, know that my heart is full, and my needs are many. The one who is introverted and hesitant in daily discourse, will likewise be timid and cautious regarding group prayer and public displays of faith. The recluse trusts the Discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart far more than those looking and listening from the outside.
Know that I love you, and I want to fellowship with you. Know that I want to pray with you and grow in this area alongside you. Know also that a fear of woman is terrible and can knock the words right out of the meekest of sisters.
Because if everyday words are unworthy for the casual hearer, then uncertain and indiscernible words spoken for the ears of the Most High are the unworthiest (and no, that is NOT a word). Because He and only He can see past the words and into the depth that really counts.
And if any of this makes any sense at all, then feel free to agree or disagree in the comments. Only do it gently, because otherwise I may cower from blogging altogether.
I would love for you to follow me on Facebook.