What I REALLY Want for my Children

For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?

Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? ~Matt 16:26

Or what would a mama give in exchange for her child's soul? I read of God's people following after the ways of the world and sacrificing their children to demons (Psalm 106:37). Why would you do such a thing? What drives a parent to give their child over to such wickedness? The world. Fear. Doubt.

This morning I was led to pray failure for my children. Failure! Why? Because I've been trying something different during prayer lately.

Can Jesus Christ see the agony of His soul in us? He can't unless we are so closely identified with Him that we have His view concerning the people for whom we pray. May we learn to intercede so wholeheartedly that Jesus Christ will be completely and overwhelmingly satisfied with us as intercessors. ~Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

I've been seeking/striving/learning to not use my time in prayer for prayer alone, but for worship. Can I really practice one without the other? Can I really pray in Jesus' Name without first recognizing who He is? Can I agonize with Jesus for another without becoming one with Him? A mysterious thing happens when we offer praises to Almighty. I'm not talking about out of body, mystical experiences. I'm referring to real-life changes in our thoughts, our desires, and our understanding of people and events around us.

If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire and it

shall be done for you. John 15:7

My motherly flesh has ideas about what's best for my children: academic success; a stable, high paying job; good health; a secure retirement plan; anything that will guarantee their comfort and safety. But what does their Lord want? Because ultimately they are His first, and mine second. I have them on loan for just a brief moment, and my only responsibility- point them to Jesus.

So I worship and sit in awe. I envision a grand throne, and on it sits the Savior. He is my Master. He is praying for this mama and for these little ones; the ones entrusted to me. And what is His desire? I find no longing for prosperity, or safety, or success, or even health. This Perfect One has one perfect care- that they would hunger and thirst for the God that quenches and satisfies.

And which of us with full bellies and fat checkbooks will plead to God for needs that don't exist. Why would my children seek out Living Water and the Bread of Life when they are feasting on greasy cheeseburgers and deep fried french-fries? In making themselves rich, and having need of nothing, they can't see that they are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked.

It's in their weakness He's made strong. It's when they fall, He lifts them up. It's through the deep waters and burning flames that The Rescuer is revealed.

I don’t want to ask that "we make it safely to school this morning" but rather, "Lord, whatever it takes to show us our desperate need, and make us crave you more, let it be!" I don’t want it to be easy, I want it to be fruitful. I don’t want my children to do it all right and never know the disappointment of seeing the flesh fail. I want them to fall face first and see that they are nothing without Christ and that while Christ is everything with or without them, He pursues them so that they will pursue Him.

What drives a parent to sacrifice their children's souls? Fear. When I imagine my children failing, I transfer that failure to myself. Suddenly their failure becomes my failure. All of a sudden I bear all responsibility for that poor test score, the missing homework assignment, or the really, really, really bad choice that was made. And if I am responsible for their failure, then I must be just as responsible for their success. And when they see me beating myself up and knocking myself around for their failure, they will either condemn themselves for my sake, or grow in bitterness toward me because I am the reason they can't do anything right.

No one is perfect! No, not one! Reflecting their failure on myself requires taking the light off of Christ. And taking the light off of Christ means they will not run to Him in need.

What good is it if they gain the whole world and lose their souls? What benefit is the best education, finest stick built home, and secured bank account when you're spending eternity in misery?

Self sufficient, independent, strong and capable children who recognize their desperate need for the Risen Lord- Impossible? No, but rare.

Yes, I want them to succeed, be happy, live pain free, and not have to worry about tomorrow. But what I want more than that is for them to hunger and thirst! I need them to need the Savior. The self-sufficient, independent, strong and capable child lacks nothing and has need of no one. He who finds himself poor, blind, destitute, and lonely also comes to find himself in Christ- not in a career, or a sport, or a spouse, or even a religion.

In Christ alone the lost are found,

To the one in need- will grace abound.

The rich, the proud, the able one,

How hard it is to need the Son.

But when you fail and when you fall,

You come to find He's your all in all.

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Five Minute Friday- Rest

His word promises that if I seek Him first, if I seek His kingdom first, the rest will be taken care of.

I begin my day with the One who always was. He never wasn't and He always will be and He chooses to sit with me and encourage me in His Word daily. I think on the hard things. I reread and read again because my feeble mind can't comprehend His greatness. I move into prayer and I am speechless. What does a wretched wife and mom say to this just and powerful Being? Words and thoughts could never be enough. Yet, I know He wants to hear from me.

I have a million, trillion, gazillion things to ask for: requests for friends and friends of friends, for missionaries, for the persecuted, for those closest to my heart, and for the one with possibly the most need- myself. Because as I gaze into the mirror, I see the stuff that shouldn't be there. But He reminds me to simply seek Him first.

And that is what I've been attempting to do. Why is it so difficult? Shouldn't it be simple to dwell on the Creator of the grandest galaxies and the smallest cells? He is amazing. Why is this so hard?

And so I am forced to rush through my 'time' with Him because the day ahead is full and I am already running behind. Get the kids up, make their lunches, hope you don't have to leave the house too messy, and don't forget you have to get gas on the way.

This is when the 'rest' that I somehow thought would be painless and perfect begins to look awful and oh so unholy. But Lord, I spent time with you this morning. I was in your Word, mediating on Your goodness. I asked you to bless my day and to help me be an example of You to these! What happened? Why am I yelling at my son? Why am I so full of frustration? You said You would take care of it!

Do I sound like a lost child? I had a huge pity party and cried the whole way to school. My son simply said he was sorry and thanked me for making his lunch. I cried even more because I know that a soft answer turns away wrath, yet my gracious God took my failure and used even that to mold the heart of my son. And the heart of this mom. And I fought back tears throughout the day because I want to simply enter His rest. I want to be done with the striving and the hurt. I cannot bear the pain of that knife in my chest being twisted and turned. I can't bear the failure of this whole mom thing.

I see that reflection and know even more so how much I am in need of my Savior. And I am so grateful that He would even have me; that my son would even hug me and apologize to a mama that needs to be rebuked. I hope that someday my children know the pain of a parent; the reason we do what we do and look so crazy and out of sorts. I hope they can understand that as I correct them and reproof them, I am twisted up inside because my own sin is so unbearable. They think I'm attempting to remove their plank, but really it's just a speck compared to my own.

But seek Him first. That is what I continue to do. Despite my shortcomings and my sins. Despite my words of wrath and my harsh reactions. Despite my inability to see Him as He truly is, I seek Him and He faithfully responds.

Yes, even in the yuck of life, He offers me rest for my soul. I accept!

(Five minutes? This took me twenty!)

Lisa-Jo offers the challenge week after week: take a measly five minutes (or half an hour, whatever get's us typing!) and write. No over thinking, no backtracking, no ‘wait, that’s not spiritual enough, and I can’t share that in cyber city’ mentality. Only writing. Writing for five minutes and risking the outcome. This week’s prompt- REST

{and don’t forget to spend some time commenting on the post of the person who linked up just before you}

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A Mom and Her Son

Today was supposed to be a great day. I have been contemplating between sharing about two different things: either wrapping up my last two posts with answering the second question (What will I do with Jesus), or celebrating in this being my 50^th post! Over a month ago, I rejoiced with one of my blogger friends as she shared her excitement about reaching her 50^th post and I thought Wow! What a milestone! I wonder if I’ll make it that far! If I do, I will certainly have to rejoice with my readers through a post! Well, here I am, my 50^th post, and I am not rejoicing.

After dropping my kids of at school this morning, I spent the drive home in tears and prayer. Let me add to that list- frustration, anger, bitterness, disappointment. Why? Because my son can be so difficult at times, and this morning was one of them! Actually, he has been incredibly difficult a lot lately and I am not dealing with it as I should.

I continually remind myself (have even voiced it to him) that God created him with a critical mind. He is fearfully and wonderfully made, and God fashioned his brain to work the way it does. However, lately I don’t see him as very wonderful. L Lately I see him as walking in sin and rebellion. I find myself getting so frustrated that I act like a child. I respond harshly. I don’t even want to talk to him because I have come to expect nothing other than a critical response, and I have told him as much. Of course, that ended in disaster.

Trying to change my son’s heart with my words- failure. I cannot change my son’s heart! I cannot change my son’s heart! My words, full of anger and impatience, become nothing more than sounding brass or a clanging cymbal (1 Cor 13:1) to him.

The whole way home I whined and cried and God listened. In frustration, I complained that I don’t know what to do with him anymore! I don’t know how to respond to him when he is being so disrespectful, dishonoring, and rude.  He is a fool, having no delight in understanding but in expressing his own heart (Prov 18:2)! I don’t know how to make his heart teachable! When I try to correct him, he comes back with a response that picks my words apart and criticizes my view of the situation. And I feel like a failure because I know that I have let my son down by allowing it to get to this point. I have let my Lord down by not being quick to discipline and correct my son. I AM A FAILURE!

In the midst of my fit, I was reminded of a conversation I had with one of the godliest women the Lord has placed in my life. Years ago we homeschooled together and shared a lot of frustrations and tears (the tears were always mine). I recall voicing how difficult it was to home school my children (who struggled academically) alongside her children (who excelled at every area in life, especially when it came to academics). I shared with her my feelings of failure as a mom and teacher to them. She replied with something like “If they were highly advanced in their studies, would you give yourself all the credit? Or just when they struggle?”  That was tough to answer, and it has stuck with me.

So what’s a mom to do? I don’t have the answer to that question. I know I will be talking to my husband. I’m considering taking away the thing he enjoys the most right now- building, playing with, and making movies with his Legos. I don’t want to take that away! I enjoy watching him enjoy them! But something has to change. I also know that I will be praying more consistently for my son.  His heart is in the hand of the Lord (Prov 21:1), and He fashioned him with a mind full of critique. I know He has plans to use that mind of his, and those plans don’t include dishonoring and disrespecting his mom and others.

So, even in this, even in the impossible frustrations of parenting and disappointments, I will trust God to use me, my son, and this situation for good.

My ride home, crying and talking with the Lord ended with this song and I thought "How perfect, Lord! I have so many dents and rips! But the war's already won, and You have it all worked out for me, my family, and my son! Thanks, Lord!"

Francesca Battistelli 'Free to be Me' You Tube

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