It's Too Stinkin Hard

It’s the hills that bring on the ‘stinkin thinkin.’ It’s the difficult, seemingly impossible parts of the trail that beg me to give in, give up, and collapse in utter defeat. The hubby decided we’d take a new route this morning and I am all about change, because I rapidly grow tired of my ordinary, dull surroundings. In the first 12 years of our marriage, we moved 12 times. The act of rounding up boxes (you’d think I would have learned to keep them around), packing, relocating, and unpacking was dreadful EACH AND EVERY TIME, but I always anticipated the change.

I’m not the type that has an hourly or even daily schedule. I don’t require order, I usually clean when I think someone might be stopping by, I wait until 6:00 or 7:00 (pm) to decide what’s for dinner (um, pizza?), and I leave clothes in the drying far too long. Ok, I do insist the towels are folded just so, but that’s about the extent of my OCD, on most days anyway. I’m not one to make a schedule, follow a schedule, or even desire a schedule. This may be the result of walking side by side with women who live by the schedule, trying to follow their wonderful example, failing time and again, only to drown in self condemnation.  Nope, I thrive on living for the moment and I welcome change because so many of my unplanned moments are just plain dull. And now I have digressed….

As we jogged away from the house and began a new course, I was slightly anxious about the unknown, yet excited about the change of pace. After only a few minutes, we began the difficult, slow trek up a dreaded hill. I try to avoid hills at all costs, yet here I was.  Thanks, hunny. Already the ‘stinkin thinking’ began its course; “I’m out of shape, I can’t do this hill.” “How far is he going to run?! I’ll never make it back home at this rate.” However, I countered with (insert something witty to counter stinkin thinkin) “This isn’t the worst hill ever.”“All I have to do is make it to the top.” And I could see the top! It wasn’t that far way and I rationalized that it must be downhill or at least level ground from there. And I was right. Well almost right. We did get an effortless, downhill breather, but it was short lived, as I glimpsed an even steeper, longer, more exaggerated hill just a few brief moments away. I was doomed. We had already gone two excruciating miles ascending the Myrtle Creek terrain, and I couldn’t fathom pushing myself even harder.

This was the moment of do or die. I envisioned myself sprawled out in defeat, flat on my back, attempting to suck in air, in the midst of a narrow, yet well traveled side road, being squashed by an oncoming car. I was forced to either let myself collapse, or push it even harder. So I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and pushed. Finally, we rounded the top of the hill, overcoming defeat, only to encounter yet another larger, steeper, impossible incline. In the end we pushed it all the way. We didn’t stop. We didn’t slow. We didn’t give in, or give up. Not until we made it back home. Ahhhhh, home! And the feeling of accomplishment and success.

Lately, I have been running, walking, no mostly crawling up hill after hill after hill. It seems that each hill I conquer offers only another steeper, harder, more impossible hill. And right now, forget the hills, I’m climbing a mountain and my fingers are slipping and I feel I’m about to fall headlong into the vast chasm of defeat. It seems hopeless, yet I continue pushing, clawing, grasping for anything that will help me reach the top of this impossible mount. Most days, the summit is beyond my scope of sight and my faith begins to diminish.  Some days I glimpse the coming peak, gaining confidence, and an ability not of myself. And once in a while I actually climb over that impossible mountain only to come face to face to an even larger, more unbearable mount, covered in thorns that scrape, bruise, and scar.

Even so, I thank God for each and every step. I thank Him that I can’t see the larger hills ahead which might only prevent me from climbing the one I’m currently ascending. I thank Him that He puts me in a place where I must rely on Him and His strength or be crushed in my own defeat. I thank Him that the summit ahead offers relief, even if for only a minute second. I thank Him that no matter how steep and rugged the mountain may be, I will overcome it because He already has. His strength is manifested in my weakness, and I am so weak! I want to give up. I want to turn around and walk off that hill. I want to! However, I must round peak after peak after peak after peak. I must push, grasp, and not give up. And right now I MUST NOT focus on the upcoming mountains. I know this one is preparing me for what I am not capable of accepting or climbing. His ways are perfect, His plans are flawless, and His sight is 20/20.

Lord, let my ways be Your ways. Let my plans be Your plans. Let my sight not hinder my faith. Strengthen me Lord, and help me to not give in or give up. Help me to trust You with my life, my children’s lives, my marriage, and our future. I thank You that I cannot see what is ahead and I beg you to get me through this season, victoriously.


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Identity vs Action

The cottage cheese thighs and muffin top drove me to it. I couldn’t take it anymore. After weeks of not running and weeks prior to that of sporadic, inconsistent running, I shoved myself onto the treadmill. I can honestly say it was torture. Not a moment of enjoyment or satisfaction. (I actually took a picture of my own muffin top, but could not bring myself to post it for you!)

The whole time I kept pushing aside thoughts that went something like ‘if you’d been more consistent you wouldn’t be having this issue right now,’ or ‘your laziness sure took its toll.’ Yes, those things are TRUE, I can’t deny that. However, I can deny them being noble, lovely, pure, praiseworthy, or of good report! And if my thoughts don’t fit into those categories, I mustn’t think on them (Phil 4:8).

What did I replace those ugly, blameworthy, discouraging thoughts with? ‘Yes, this is horrible and something close to torture, yes, I brought it on myself, but I know I CAN do this because I’ve done it before!’  

God is teaching me the importance of knowing MY IDENTITY, and not just that, but the difference between MY IDENTITY and MY ACTIONS. It seems like I am writing a lot about this lately, which must mean I have much to learn in this area. How often those two things get confused in my mind and life: IDENTITY and ACTIONS. I fall short and I sin (action), leaving me feeling unaccepted and less loved by God (identity). Does this mean that when I have a moment without sin (surely I must have those) that God loves and accepts me more? NOPE.

I can do nothing to make God love me more. I can do nothing to make God love me less. I am accepted by Him regardless of my actions. I’m reminded of the name He gave me, and I offer this task up to you as well. Ask God to give you a name. Ask Him who you are. I did this, and before I could even finish asking, I clearly heard the word BELOVED. About a week later, as I thought about this word and was writing it down, I realized that to be His BELOVED, I must BE LOVED; I must allow myself to receive His love. Do you see this? BELOVED = BE LOVED. This is what God is walking me through. Scratch that! If God says I am (or you are) His BELOVED, that means exactly that. I can choose to receive it or not. However, if I choose not to receive His love, I remain His BELOVED regardless. My job- to walk in it; to let my actions reflect that identity.

I cannot walk in my identity if I don’t know and accept who I am. Because I KNEW I could do it, I didn’t allow my inconsistency and laziness to keep me from running for thirty minutes. As I struggled on that treadmill I kept telling myself ‘I’m going to get through this, because I KNOW I’m a runner! I KNOW I can do this and I will not allow my actions this past month to change that!’

MY ACTION- I fall short and sin everyday

MY IDENTITY- Beloved by God and made righteous and holy

My actions do not change my identity

'Remind Me Who I Am' Jason Gray You Tube

(Be sure to watch the video as you listen closely to the words)

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God's Little Blessings

For the last month, I’ve been extremely inconsistent in the area of fitness. It’s been a struggle to run just a few times a week, and I’m paying the consequences for it! Since I slacked off, I have gotten out of shape and made running even a short distance incredibly difficult. It’s so discouraging to go through this struggle, knowing I’m capable of going further because I have done it in the past, but also knowing I have to work back up to that place.

My main struggle is that I haven’t wanted to run alone lately. I used to run solo just fine! I even enjoyed the solitude I found in that time with just me, the outdoors, and the Lord. I’m not sure why my thinking has changed in this area, but hope I can get out of this ‘funk’ soon! My hubby has been so gracious to run with me when he can, even skipping the gym (which he much prefers) to come straight home after work and run with his needy wife. However, this results in us running the dark, which is not the best of circumstances. I can’t wait until the sun decides to stick around longer each day!

Yesterday I was having a difficult day, and knew I would feel better if I got out of the house and spent some time praying. So, I made myself do it; I made myself run alone! I put those shoes on and decided I would take a new route; enjoy a change of scenery. I hadn’t voiced to God my desire to run with someone. I hadn’t asked Him for a running buddy. But He knows our hearts and our desires, doesn’t He?  

You understand my thought afar off…. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O LORD, You know it altogether. –Psalm 139:2,4

So I’m running, trying desperately to enjoy it, forcing myself to observe the blessings around me (thanks to a little perspective change from a friend) when all of a sudden this little guy scares

the bajeebers out of me! He came out of nowhere, and at first I thought he was chasing me. After a while, I realized he was running with me! God sent me a running buddy! I literally started laughing! Yes, my run was slightly interrupted since I had to take pics- I didn’t want to forget this! Have you ever tried running and using your cell phone’s camera at the same time? I don’t recommend it! But I’m glad I did J

Yes, it was only a silly bird, but I knew it was a little gift, just for me from my ever present God. On a trying day full of disappointment and tears, He met me and reminded me that He is always there, always comforting, always making Himself known, always offering ways to ease my burdens. I was filled with thanksgiving and joy. I don’t usually laugh on my runs! This day I did. Eventually my new friend ventured off into a nearby field (I think those short stubby legs got tired) and I was slightly disappointed to see him go. However, I was thankful he didn’t follow me home, since I would feel obligated to feed him, and then he might stay indefinitely.

Here is a short video of our run together. Such a cute little thing. (I apologize for how shaky it is -remember, I was trying to run- and in an attempt to save myself the embarrassment of allowing you to hear my labored breathing, I added music, but for some reason it's not working! Ugh. Again, I appologize, now you get to hear just how out of shape I am.) I wasn’t going to include the video, but decided I must, so you can fully enjoy my blessing with me!

God's Little Blessings

The LORD has been mindful of us; He will bless us; He will bless the house of Israel; He will bless the house of Aaron.

-Psalm 115:12

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To Everything There is a Season

It is said that our brains need about eight hours of sleep each night to receive maximum rejuvenation. It is also believed that a short 10-20 minute nap will revitalize the tired mind. However too much sleep at night, or napping longer than the allotted twenty minutes is likely to leave us unmotivated and lethargic. Of course, a little coffee will fix that problem (haha!), but only for a short time. Science also tells us that during times of rest and sleep all of our body’s muscles are allowed to grow, repair, and strengthen.

So, when I’m at the gym pumping iron, exerting myself on the elliptical, swimming laps in the pool, or running on the treadmill am I not strengthening my muscles? While persevering through two years of college courses and straining to help my daughter with Algebra, am I not benefitting my brain? This whole time all I really needed was sleep? Um, no! Don’t we all wish it were that simple! Unfortunately it’s not. Sadly, we must have a combination of both exercise and rest, and truth be told, the majority of us lack in one or both of these areas; we either don’t get enough sleep, don’t get enough exercise, or both.

La Cruz Sinaloa Mexico

Quite a few years ago, after multiple short term trips to Mexico, God called my family back for a five month “missionary” adventure. I was so excited, anticipating the opportunity to serve, minister, teach, encourage, do anything and everything for God’s kingdom! After all, that’s what we did during the short weeks we spent there previously. The reality of living in Mexico was far from my hopes and expectations. Yes, we were busy studying, teaching, reaching out to others, and sharing the Good News. However, the majority of my time was spent homeschooling my daughter, doing laundry (such a difficult task when you remove American conveniences), cleaning up after my sick son (Mexican parasites), and simply being a mom. I remember questioning “Why do You have me here, Lord? I surely could do all of THIS back home.” Little did I realize it was during this time that God was taking all the things He had taught me years prior and building them up. When I felt as if I were completely ineffective and useless, God was strengthening me in my faith, my beliefs, my relationship with Him; He was walking me higher up that Mountain!

Although we cannot feel, see, or sense our brains and muscles growing and developing at night, we know they are. We can also take comfort in the fact that He is at work in each of us whether we feel it or not, just as He was with me in Mexico. Nevertheless, we must not neglect the importance of both resting in Him and running hard for Him. Just as too much sleep and insignificant exercise leave us lethargic, running hard and neglecting those Red Light Moments will profoundly hinder our growth. What season of life are you in right now? Are you working those muscles, pushing as hard as you can push, letting Him stretch you beyond your capabilities? Or are you resting and allowing God to strengthen and rebuild?

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven… a time to break down, and a time to build up.

-Ecclesiastes 3:1,3

Step by Step

If you are following my posts much (which of course, I pray you are), I hope you haven’t grown weary of my ramblings related to running. As I shared on my About Me page, although I acknowledge that God is always speaking to me, it is during my runs that I tend to be most tuned in to Him. It is during this time that I am able to put this world and its cares aside and ponder Him, His voice, His Word. I am thankful for this time with Him!

So today I reflect on rejoicing in the moment; directing my attention on the day at hand because this is the day the Lord has made (Ps 118:24). One thing I have been learning about myself is that I am rarely in the ‘here and now,’ but rather in the ‘there and then.’ In other words, I am so consumed with my destination that I neglect the very place God has me in at this moment.

A quarter of the way into my run today, I realized I was losing energy all too soon. The reason? Simply put, I was so engrossed in finishing that I was not paying attention to my speed and started out too fast (story of my life). However, as I slowed my stride, attempting to focus on each step, I began feeling less winded, as though I would finish the full course, and I did.

God’s Word tells me to press toward the goal by reaching for that prize (Phil 3:14) and running hard for Him (Heb 12:1). However, if I don’t count the cost, I may stop short and be unable to finish (Lk 14:28-30). How embarrassing is that? Who starts a race they are not convinced they can finish? Certainly not me.

I desire to take these small lessons and apply them to my daily walk as a wife, mother, friend, and daughter. I desperately long to relish each moment I have. I yearn to appreciate the ‘little’ things in life, to focus on each step, to slow down my pace, and to see God’s hand at work. These are the things that nourish and strengthen me to finish strong tomorrow. These are the things that allow me to fight the good fight, finish the race, keep the faith, and grab hold of my crown (2 Tim 4:7-8).

For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it- lest after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘this man began to build and was not able to finish’?

~ Luke 14:28-30

Going Nowhere

Before I knew it, it was after two in the afternoon and I hadn’t gotten my run in for the day. Korrie’s basketball game was only a couple hours away so I knew I needed to get to it. I also knew my chances of not having to run in the rain were slim, since it had been pouring nonstop most of the day. I made the decision and stepped onto the dreaded treadmill. Ugh. And dreadful it was! I tried reading my Kindle while running, tried tuning into the video Joe had playing (too sci-fi for me), even tried distracting myself with Korrie’s iPod. Nothing worked! The crisp, cool outside air kept beckoning me. The smoldering heat of the woodstove made breathing nearly impossible. Over and over I found myself pressed up against the bar at the front of the treadmill, my body desperately trying to GO somewhere. Did I mention it was dreadful?

After about fifteen minutes, the rain ceased, and I couldn’t resist taking that chance. I flung myself off the treadmill, threw my jacket on, and escaped out the front door, quickly hollering at the kids, “be back in a few!” The outdoors never felt quite so refreshing! What a relief! There is nothing else like the sound of feet on concrete, the icy winter wind on one’s face, and the feeling of actually GOING SOMEWHERE! After all, running is NOT meant to keep you in one place.

The apostle Paul refers to the life of a child of God as a race (2 Tim 4:7). We are designed to go somewhere. We are made to do something. We have a calling. We have a purpose, and that purpose is not to stay in one place. I’m not necessarily referring to the need for every Christian to ‘GO’ to a foreign land as a missionary (unless you are called to do so, of course). I am referring to the simple act of obedience and growing in Christ. What has He called you to do? What is the desire of your heart? What do you long for? Are you doing it? Or are you staying comfortably in one place, suffocating in the stagnation of it all? Don’t you long to get out there and experience the freedom that comes from obedience? I know I do! I also know it’s not always easy. However, when we make that choice -when we put those shoes on and step out that door, pushing ourselves even though it’s so hard- this is when we feel accomplished.

Now, you might be arguing that the dreaded treadmill is not all bad; and you would be right. It actually offers me a GOOD workout. However, I want to strive for a BETTER workout. No, I want to strive for the BEST workout.  Just after I reached my house after my run that day, it started pouring again. I laughed out loud and thanked God for my fifteen minutes of clear weather. When God see’s our willing hearts, our desire to run hard for Him, He will hold back that rain and bless us beyond belief.

What desires has He placed in your heart? What do you so desperately yearn to obey Him in? Please share so I can pray for you.

Run For It!

Run For It!

I’ve recently contracted a bug: the running/workout bug. Isn’t it exciting to realize you are capable of doing something you never thought you could? How exhilarating to press on and push forward, then look back and see just how far you’ve come!  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no marathon runner. It would actually be more accurate to call myself a jogger rather than a runner. However, my accomplishment of being able push myself for thirty minutes is hardly a small one in my eyes. Yes, there are those moments when I start looking at fitness giants tackling four hour marathons or even triathlons and my thirty minutes quickly morph into something hardly worth getting excited about. Aside from these occasional moments of comparison and discouragement, my running experience has been such a blessing.  And I am learning a few things about myself in the process.

1. I can only go as far as I push myself.  I will consistently lose momentum at the one mile mark if I don’t push myself to go further.  Once I push harder, forcing myself beyond that mile, then I begin building endurance, get stronger, and will go further the next time.

2. I am discovering parts of my body that do not like to cooperate. My somewhat smaller, weaker leg will burn and scream in protest, many times convincing my brain and the rest of my body that unless we stop now we shall surely die. Or my lungs will ache, unable to suck in adequate oxygen, alarming my brain of some imagined danger. However, these parts of my body are just that, a small part of a larger body, and they must not be allowed to decide that I will not reach my full potential.

3. Small goals lead to success! Large goals can result in death. I can tell myself to run to the next stop sign and then feel great accomplishment when I reach that stop sign, or even go a little further. However if my goal is not the next stop sign, but the next five stop signs, and I don’t make that goal, I am setting myself up for discouragement, failure, and a lack of desire to get out there tomorrow and set another goal.

As a follower of Christ I can take these small lessons in daily running and apply them to my daily walk: 1. I can choose to stay where I’m comfortable and never reach my full potential in the gifts God has given me, or I can take a risk, ask God to use me, and make myself more available to Him. This makes my faith and walk stronger each day. 2. I have an obligation to my Lord and His people as a part of the body of Christ. I can choose to actively fill that role using the gifts God has placed in me (such as writing something small and sharing it daily), or I can hold myself and the body as a whole back by complaining, grumbling, or not trusting what God is doing when the road is difficult and sometimes painful. 3. Rather than having unrealistic expectations, I can set small goals for myself and then walk in them.  Rather than decide to read the whole bible in a year, I can tell myself to read for 5 minutes every day for a week.  Now that is something I can do! I can likewise support others in their “small” successes, encouraging them to go just a little further each day in this walk with Jesus.  I pray that this blog is one way I can accomplish that!

Comments, opposing views, additional insight?  Please do share!  I am having a blast sharing with you and I truly hope you feel free to do the same!

At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. So don't sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!

~Hebrews 12:11-13 (The Message)