When Passion Brings Pain

A unique process takes place as we consume and digest foods. They enter into our bodies and bloodstreams, and soak into our pores. The good and bad are filtered and separated, and put to proper use in these bodies. I have no idea how it all works. I simply know it does. The food we digest becomes a part of us.

So it is with the Words of God. As we read them, think on them, meditate on them, read them again, and again, the power of the Word takes residence within us. When this process has begun, a change happens: we become one with the Word; the Word becomes one with us. It all sounds so christianees and religiously scandalous, I know. 

But I also know it to be fact. I know because I've experienced it. I have experienced a true passion and desire for God's Word. There are times I want to consume it more than anything; days I want spent doing nothing but soaking it in and digesting piece-by-piece. The only comparison I can make is the passionate need and yearning we have for loved ones. Those times you want to squeeze your child and never let go. When you need your spouse like you've never needed anyone. When the sight of your sleeping child stirs such an inner awareness of love that you can't pull yourself away. You wish the whole world could experience this moment. 

How do we restrain such affection? And do we really want to? Aren't these the true-life moments we live for? Isn't this what makes life worth living? And isn't this the smallest glimpse of God's inconceivable love for us? Oh how He desires to hold me for eternity. I know He looks at me as I look at my own sleeping child- in all that purity and transparency- and feels only love and adoration; a desire for nothing less than oneness.

Unfortunately, this passion comes at a price: guaranteed pain. And I'm not talking about small needle-prick pain, but terrible pain which pierces deep, leaving lasting scars. I feel it when my child is ridiculed and rejected. When my husband is misunderstood, unfairly judged, or taken advantage of. It would be crazy to say my own heart shouldn't ache with anger and sorrow simply because the offense wasn't directed at me. Just because it's not happening to me personally doesn't mean it's not happening to one that is personally mine. And I hurt as if I were the one ridiculed and misjudged. And I know I'm not alone in this cruel world of callousness and hate.

And so as a mother, daughter, or spouse, you must know the grief, anguish, and tortured pain I feel when my God is blasphemed, ridiculed, rejected, and when the very Words of His mouth are misunderstood, or used against Him. My Lord and His Word are a part of me. I have no other way to describe it except to say that when a loved one hurts, I hurt with them. And oh how I love God and His Word.

Your words were found, and I ate them,

And Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart;

For I am called by Your name,

O Lord God of hosts.  ~Jeremiah 15:16

Call it crazy and heretical, but God is a real, living, breathing Person- a Person that feels true joy, pain, and sorrow. This Person- He's living in me, abiding in me, making His home in me!!! And when He is hurt, oh how I feel that pain- pain as if inflicted upon myself; it's deep, it's raw, and it's real. For in Him I live and move and have my being.

I have treasured the words of His mouth

More than my necessary food.  ~Job 23:12

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Celebrating 15 Years!!!

Using the mall restroom has never been the same. Not since that day in June of 1997; three days out of high school and barely 18 years old. The instructions said it would take a few minutes for results, but those bright lines gave no breathing room. Instantly they screamed the truth I refused to believe- your. life. is. over.  And then it was THAT LADY. The one dressed in fancy clothes voicing my options and encouraging me to take the easy way out. She was the professional; she knew more than me. Consumed by the unknown, my head spinning in a fog, baring nothing but worldly wisdom, confusion, and dread, he proposed.

It was a far cry from romantic and I can’t recall the exact conversation, but it went something like this: “James, I’m pregnant.” “Well, you know what I want to do.” I dreaded hearing what he’d want to do. I feared the worst- termination. But he threw me completely off my already unstable foundation “I want to get married.” Married? Did he really just say THAT word? He wants to marry ME? We’d barely been together for six months!

Nine months later I went from a carefree, young, vibrant, loving-my-life-teenager to a married mommy coping unsuccessfully with fat rolls, dirty dishes, piles of soiled, puked on, laundry, and a husband I barely knew. I sit here feeling there are many more women out there who CAN relate to my story than CAN’T. I share because my story is HIS story. On August 16^th, 1997 the wayward Jehovah’s witness, and the naïve people-pleasing-teen walked down that isle, exchanged overpriced rings and meaningless vows, then attempted to play ‘the happy married couple with the bald, yet beautiful new baby.’ Most mocked and doubted our future.

Have you any clue what a stubborn teen does when doubted and ridiculed? She fights back and she fights hard. I refused to be the next statistic. However, as desperate as I was to prove them all wrong, my good intentions were nothing more than exhausting failures. AND IN MY WEAKNESS, HE IS STRONG. AND IN MY FAILURE HE IS GLORIFIED. AND IN MY DOUBT, HE IS FAITHFUL. AND IN MY DESPERATION, HE IS DESPERATE FOR ME. MY GOD IS A JEALOUS GOD!

He called me. He beckoned me to a small church and an even smaller fellowship. He showed me love and He taught me truth. He was patient and He was persistent.

In 15 years of marriage, we’ve experienced uncertainty as our time in foreign land expired, doubt as foster children happily returned to bio-parents, and fear when our home schooled kiddos were thrown to the wolves. We’ve had seasons of fruit, and seasons of drought. We’ve known abundant blessing and sudden loss. We’ve stood strong, we’ve fallen weak, we’ve savored sweet joy in knowing God’s will and hearing His voice, but we’ve also tasted bitter sorrow and swam in seas of doubt. Through it all, one thing has remained- WE. We are His, we are each others, we are vessels, and we are a work in progress.

The question is no longer- What good could possibly come from a wayward Jehovah’s Witness and his naïve-people-pleasing wife, but rather- What will God do with the willing heart of weak vessels?

Your. life. is. over. I may have been young, and dumb, and lost in a world of apprehension. I may have been over dramatic, self focused, and in need of a reality check. BUT, those words rang truer than I could have ever known.

My. life. was. over. Because He was calling me into death and offering NEW LIFE. A life of surrender. A life of love. A life of service. And a life of blessing with my best friend and hubby. It’s been 15 years! It’s been amazingly frightening and fulfilling! It’s been a topsy turvy roller coaster ride with nothing to hold onto but each other and our faith.

Happy 15^th Anniversary, James! Thanks for the adventure! Thanks for your faithfulness, your unconditional love, and your devotion to our God, our children, our marriage, and our family J

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Rooted and Grounded

For years I have suffered from what was first diagnosed as dry skin, then eczema, and now psoriasis. I have tried creams, medications, bi-weekly injections, even a gluten free diet. Each came with promises of a miracle cure; each left me disappointed, scaling, and flaky (Yes, I’m guilty of THAT kind of flaky too).  My new attempt at conquering the chronic wintery skin- solar lights. Yep, a good old fake-n-bake tanning bed! Of course, my dermatologist offers ‘medically approved’ solar treatments for a substantial fee several times a week. Um, how about I pay only $30 a month and get me some summer color in the middle of February instead!? Sounds like the best choice to me!

Can you picture it? Reclined in a brightly lit, WARM, coffin like container (did I mention it was incredibly WARM?), sweating my buns off (and hopefully my thighs too), with nothing else to do but think, think, think. I began to wonder what would happen to those areas- you know, the ones that hadn’t seen the sun in years. Uh oh, maybe I didn’t think this through very well. The next day I realized just what a bad idea it was. Now, let me clarify, I’m only referring to my stomach and back. The other areas, the unmentionables, those I won’t even consider baring to UV lights. My stomach, which hadn’t seen that kind of light since pre-kid days, a decade and a half ago, was lobster red. It hurt to wear clothes, it hurt to sleep, it hurt to shower, it hurt to breath. But a few days later, it was all worth it! I’m excited to report that I have now been comfortably lying beneath bright, warm UB lights for two weeks, and I have no more worries of burns and pain. (And my psoriasis is improving, in some areas.)

What’s my point? Well, today as I lay in that bed, rocking out to Kutless, I was also think, think, thinking on my recent verses from Ephesians.

That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height- to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  –Ephesians 3:16-19 NKJV

What does this have to do with my tanning experience? EVERYTHING! I realized that the areas I kept covered; the parts of my body that hadn’t seen the light in so long; those parts that are carefully kept hidden; those are the areas that hurt the most when they finally ARE exposed to light. What area am I referring to? ANGER. FRUSTRATION. Oh how I have neglected to bring this struggle in my life into the light. I have kept it hidden. I have allowed it to fester and grow, and God was faithful to reveal this to me.

Here’s what my morning looked like:

I was attempting to look at and think on the words…  ‘being rooted and grounded in His love,’ ‘the width and length and depth and height,’ while at the same time getting the kids ready for school. I sent my son off to do the usual brush teeth/brush hair/apply deodorant. Ten minutes later I stepped into his room only to find him knelt on the floor, holding his tooth brush (toothpaste still intact), and reading directions on how to assemble a Lego structure. This is when all God’s love departed from me and I blew a fuse.

UGH. Yes, I failed to follow through on the love I had just been reading about. WHY CAN’T I JUST READ IT AND THEN GO DO IT!? WHY IS IT SO HARD!? If it is so easy for me to step out of LOVE, what then are my roots grounded in?! If anger pours out of me so quickly, that must mean it is sitting there, festering, and waiting for any opportunity to show its ugly face. And my poor kiddos are usually the ones to see it.  Oh how I want to love them as God loves them. I want to give them the unconditional love that He gives me, even when I deliberately disobey Him. His love has no bounds!

To be rooted and grounded in love requires a daily checking of ourselves. It requires me to expose my sins and struggles to the LIGHT each and every day. When I neglect to do this, my roots begin to sink themselves into everything but love, and I become grounded in a foundation that is weak, weary, and ready to tumble. After so long, exposure to the LIGHT hurts! It hurts when my wrath is let loose on my kids. It hurts knowing I must confess and apologize to my son. It hurts to see the anger I have hidden; the anger that keeps God’s love from strengthening my inner man. However, as soon we hear this Voice; as soon as the conviction sets in, and we proceed with confession and repentance, the process of bringing this sin into the LIGHT becomes less and less painful.

I am thankful for a God who sees those hidden sins of my heart; a God who is faithful to reveal these sins to me, and patiently waits for me to confess them and repent. He is a Fixer, and I am in need of being fixed.

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LOVE

I speak with tongues of angels

I share a prophecy

My faith is moving mountains

I know His sovereignty

I understand all mysteries

The things concealed from sight

I give my all to those without

I pray throughout the night

My works are in the name of Christ

I labor for His sake

My patience is enduring

I expose those not awake

I persevere for Him alone

I know by heart His word

I keep the letter of the Law

His precepts I have heard

And then He speaks those words to me

The truth I ought to heed

He whispers and convicts my heart

He knows just what I need 

“You’ve labored and you’ve toiled

You’ve worked your life throughout

You’ve countered those against Me

My work you’ve been about”

“I know the places you have gone

I’ve heard your countless prayers

I know the thoughts you think my dear

I know your every hair”

“Your prophecies will fail

Your tongues will cease to be

Your knowledge, it will vanish

You are nothing without Me”

“Remember from where you’ve fallen

And set your eyes above

The thing you have forgotten

Is Me, your first LOVE”

This Valentine’s Day, let’s remember who LOVE is. GOD IS LOVE and He is all we need. Let’s check our hearts, examine our works, and cling to our first LOVE, Jesus Christ. If you’ve forgotten your first LOVE, repent and do the first works. Let’s imitate Him, and walk in LOVE.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.    1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY  ~From the Wafers

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Three Words

Beth Moore’s post from her Living Proof Ministries blog inspired me to reflect on the past year and ask God for three words that characterize 2011 for me. I offer you this same opportunity. Please share your three words with us and a short (or long) paragraph explaining each.

I'll go first J I call mine the three A’s.

ACCOMPLISHED- God sent and used (and continues using) my husband in Phoenix, Arizona among a group of Romanians, building relationships, teaching, discipling, and instilling the vision of discipleship. He has done and continues doing a wonderful work in it. What previously sounded ridiculous and impossible turned out to be incredibly fulfilling as I finished my first two years of college and received a degree at 32 years old. God relieved my back pain and allowed me to start doing something I have always desired to do- run. And (most days) I enjoy and look forward to it. God confirmed gifts in me and has begun stirring them up, teaching me to walk in obedience, and blessing the fruit of that labor and obedience. Yes, this has been a year of witnessing God accomplish much in and through us.

AWARENESS- My daughter, Korrie (my oldest child) turned thirteen, became a teenager, and officially made me old! It’s been wonderful and eye-opening in so many ways. Every single day she surprises me and I realize that she’s unlike any other child of God. He is miraculously forming her into a woman after Him, despite my failures and short comings as her

mother. My son, Joseph (my youngest child) hit the double digits turning ten, and made me old again! Through this process of watching my kiddos develop their own personalities and relationships, I am learning that God is in control of every aspect of their lives both large and small. And I am unspeakably grateful to be used by Him in such a way. I am also keenly aware of how quickly they are changing and growing and will be leaving the nest to begin their own adventures filled with happiness, joys, heartaches, and struggles.

AWED- My Lord has poured out His love upon me in ways I could not even imagine, allowing me to draw closer to Him and gain a deeper, richer understanding of His adoration and compassion for me. And with this understanding comes an awe and a realization that the more I know Him and His love, the less I understand it. He is so incomprehensible, yet personal in a way I cannot fully receive. I only pray that this New Year brings more awe, more understanding, and a deeper sense of who He is, how He loves, and who I am in Him.

I cannot wait to read about your three words!  Won’t it be fun to look back at these words next year and reflect on the changes God faithfully walks us through? Please, please, please share and don’t be shy!

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Merry CHRISTmas, Friends!

Now in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. And having come in, the angel said to her, “Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; blessed are you among women!”

But when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and considered what manner of greeting this was. Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son the Highest; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David. And he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.”

Then Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I do not know a man?” And the angel answered and said to her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Highest will overshadow you; therefore, also, that Holy One who is to be born will be called the Son of God. Now indeed, Elizabeth your relative has also conceived a son in her old age; and this is now the sixth month for her who is called barren. For with God nothing will be impossible.” Then Mary said, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her (Luke 1:26-38)

And it came to pass in those days that a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered. This census first took place while Quirinius was governing Syria. So all went to be registered, everyone to his own city.

Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed wife, who was with child. So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. And behold, and angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: You will find the Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.”

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of heavenly host praising God and saying:

“Glory to God in the highest,
And on earth, peace, goodwill toward men!”

So it was, when the angels had gone away from them into heaven, that the shepherds said to one another, “Let us now go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has come to pass, which the Lord has made known to us.” And they came with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the Babe lying in a manger.

Now when they had seen Him, they made widely known the saying which was told them concerning this Child. And all those who heard it marveled at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart. Then the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told them.  (Luke 2:1-20)

As the heavenly host praised God and celebrated the birth of the Savior, let us praise God and celebrate Him today. As the shepherds sought out the Savior, praising God for revealing such a gift to them, let us likewise seek out our Savior and praise God for such a miraculous gift of Love. As Mary pondered these things in her heart, let us ponder the wonder of Christ in our hearts.

Merry CHRISTmas, friends!

The Greatest of These is LOVE

We are in the midst of the season of giving. We’re surrounded with reminder upon reminder of those in need. These pictures seem to have gone viral on the internet and may be the perfect motivators, pushing us to give, give, give, compelling us to pray for those in need, and to reach out to the unreached.

Oh how great the need is! How my heart aches when faced with such devastation. I think these images affect us so deeply because we cannot deny their validity. Families and children are suffering and we are not. Simple as that. And the question lingers, “But what can I do?”

What do I do with all of this? How can I make a difference? There are numerous ministries in place we can participate in such as Operation Christmas Child. We can help out in our shelters and food banks. Or we can simply support local families in need. And as we reach out to the least of these, we reach out to Jesus Himself (Matt 25:35-40). What a great way to celebrate the Christmas season. Or is it?

There is so much focus this time of year regarding those suffering from poverty and hardships, and as great as this need is, there is a greater need: The need for LOVE. “Giving and serving is love” you say. My response: Yes, Jesus demonstrated the greatest love of all by giving Himself up for us and becoming a Servant. However, He also cautioned us, and this Christmas season, I offer you the same simple caution regarding giving, serving, working hard, and the state of your heart.

“I know your works, you labor, your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And that you have tested those who say they are apostles and are not, and have found them liars; and you have persevered and have patience, and have labored for My name’s sake and have not become weary. Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love.” (Rev 2:2-4).

Jesus spoke these words for the church of Ephesus, the same church Paul boasted in regarding their faith and love toward God and the saints (Eph 1:15). This same church that was once dead and God made alive (Eph 2:1). What happened? How did this body of believers go from one extreme to the other? Jesus goes on to tell them “Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works” (Rev 2:5). What are these first works that they fell from? LOVE. These believers fell head over heels in LOVE with their God and Savior. However, they became so caught up with serving and giving that they forgot the greatest Servant and Giver and left their First Love.

Jesus said “For you have the poor with you always, and whenever you wish you may do them good” (Mk 14:7). I am in no way implying we are to neglect the poor (1 Jn 3:17). Rather, I seek to remind you, as He is reminding me, that without love, all is worthless. This Christmas season, let us not neglect the One we celebrate. Let us not replace Him with serving, giving, working, and doing good. Instead, let us serve, give, work, and do good because our First Love compels us to. After all, what is CHRISTmas without LOVE for the Christ?

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but

have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging

cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and

understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and

though I have all faith, so that I could remove

mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed

the poor, and though I give my body to

be burned, but have not love,

it profits me nothing.

-1 Corinthians 13:1-3

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