Celebrating 15 Years!!!

Using the mall restroom has never been the same. Not since that day in June of 1997; three days out of high school and barely 18 years old. The instructions said it would take a few minutes for results, but those bright lines gave no breathing room. Instantly they screamed the truth I refused to believe- your. life. is. over.  And then it was THAT LADY. The one dressed in fancy clothes voicing my options and encouraging me to take the easy way out. She was the professional; she knew more than me. Consumed by the unknown, my head spinning in a fog, baring nothing but worldly wisdom, confusion, and dread, he proposed.

It was a far cry from romantic and I can’t recall the exact conversation, but it went something like this: “James, I’m pregnant.” “Well, you know what I want to do.” I dreaded hearing what he’d want to do. I feared the worst- termination. But he threw me completely off my already unstable foundation “I want to get married.” Married? Did he really just say THAT word? He wants to marry ME? We’d barely been together for six months!

Nine months later I went from a carefree, young, vibrant, loving-my-life-teenager to a married mommy coping unsuccessfully with fat rolls, dirty dishes, piles of soiled, puked on, laundry, and a husband I barely knew. I sit here feeling there are many more women out there who CAN relate to my story than CAN’T. I share because my story is HIS story. On August 16^th, 1997 the wayward Jehovah’s witness, and the naïve people-pleasing-teen walked down that isle, exchanged overpriced rings and meaningless vows, then attempted to play ‘the happy married couple with the bald, yet beautiful new baby.’ Most mocked and doubted our future.

Have you any clue what a stubborn teen does when doubted and ridiculed? She fights back and she fights hard. I refused to be the next statistic. However, as desperate as I was to prove them all wrong, my good intentions were nothing more than exhausting failures. AND IN MY WEAKNESS, HE IS STRONG. AND IN MY FAILURE HE IS GLORIFIED. AND IN MY DOUBT, HE IS FAITHFUL. AND IN MY DESPERATION, HE IS DESPERATE FOR ME. MY GOD IS A JEALOUS GOD!

He called me. He beckoned me to a small church and an even smaller fellowship. He showed me love and He taught me truth. He was patient and He was persistent.

In 15 years of marriage, we’ve experienced uncertainty as our time in foreign land expired, doubt as foster children happily returned to bio-parents, and fear when our home schooled kiddos were thrown to the wolves. We’ve had seasons of fruit, and seasons of drought. We’ve known abundant blessing and sudden loss. We’ve stood strong, we’ve fallen weak, we’ve savored sweet joy in knowing God’s will and hearing His voice, but we’ve also tasted bitter sorrow and swam in seas of doubt. Through it all, one thing has remained- WE. We are His, we are each others, we are vessels, and we are a work in progress.

The question is no longer- What good could possibly come from a wayward Jehovah’s Witness and his naïve-people-pleasing wife, but rather- What will God do with the willing heart of weak vessels?

Your. life. is. over. I may have been young, and dumb, and lost in a world of apprehension. I may have been over dramatic, self focused, and in need of a reality check. BUT, those words rang truer than I could have ever known.

My. life. was. over. Because He was calling me into death and offering NEW LIFE. A life of surrender. A life of love. A life of service. And a life of blessing with my best friend and hubby. It’s been 15 years! It’s been amazingly frightening and fulfilling! It’s been a topsy turvy roller coaster ride with nothing to hold onto but each other and our faith.

Happy 15^th Anniversary, James! Thanks for the adventure! Thanks for your faithfulness, your unconditional love, and your devotion to our God, our children, our marriage, and our family J

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Five Minute Friday- HERE

Lisa-Jo offers the challenge week after week: take a measly five minutes and write. No over thinking, no backtracking, no ‘wait, that’s not spiritual enough, and I can’t share that in cyber city’ mentality. Only writing. Writing for five minutes and risking the outcome. This week’s prompt- HERE

Ready? GO!

What choice do I have? Can I live anywhere but in the HERE and the NOW? I can’t go back to two years ago. I can’t change the past as much as I desire to. As much as I wish I was there to help her. As desperate as I am to talk with her, give her a hug, tell her how our lives are and how much we miss her. No, I can’t and this is THE WAY God has chosen it to be. His WAY is the only WAY and how dare I wish for anything different. So, I live HERE, NOW. I choose not to dwell in the past but I thank God for past memories. I thank God that right NOW I have family, friends, health, a husband that truly does and would do all he is capable of doing for me, our kids, and His Lord. I thank God that even when looking back hurts, and looking forward hurts more because I know she’s not there, I have what is HERE; I have what exists right NOW.

I want desperately to make the most of it! I want to capture this place, this moment, this season and inhale every ounce of life. YES, I MISS HER! And no, I can’t believe it’s been two years! But our life doesn’t cease because a loved one draws their last breath. Our world keeps spinning and our calendars continue filling and we continue on HERE.

STOP

Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. –Phil 3:13-14

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Five Minute Friday- Story

Most weeks I read my dear friend Tresta’s Five Minute Friday write up and am incredibly blessed. How does she do that in five minutes!? Well, this morning I too took the plunge. Five Minutes? I’ll give it a shot. I can ramble for five minutes! Today’s writing prompt- Story-

GO

We ALL have a story. We are ALL living a story. As I lay in bed last night, I reflect on the day’s visit with my wonderful friends at the lake, the great scare we had as our dear friend and her two boys almost got swept away in the tides that have their own story.  I reflected on the life I’ve lived with these wonderful women and their children- years and years of growing and learning, failing and learning some more, receiving grace, offering grace, learning, always learning. And I see that STORY taking shape. I know someday there will be not only a precise beginning, but a clear climax and an ending. Today I look at my life and think- where are we going… what am I doing? But in the midst of the story, you can’t actually SEE the story can you. While I LIVE the story day in and day out, I cannot fathom where I am in my story or what the outcome will be.  I long for those days of ‘knowing.’ I want to reach into the past and take them back. We knew we would have nap time and we would have snack, and we would watch a 30 minute Veggie Tale. We KNEW! Now, I don’t know what’s happening in my story and it makes life HARD. The unknown is hard.

STOP

And I find I had so much more to say and five minutes goes by far too quickly! Thanks for the prompt Lisa-Jo, and for your faithful five minutes, Tresta!

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It's Too Stinkin Hard

It’s the hills that bring on the ‘stinkin thinkin.’ It’s the difficult, seemingly impossible parts of the trail that beg me to give in, give up, and collapse in utter defeat. The hubby decided we’d take a new route this morning and I am all about change, because I rapidly grow tired of my ordinary, dull surroundings. In the first 12 years of our marriage, we moved 12 times. The act of rounding up boxes (you’d think I would have learned to keep them around), packing, relocating, and unpacking was dreadful EACH AND EVERY TIME, but I always anticipated the change.

I’m not the type that has an hourly or even daily schedule. I don’t require order, I usually clean when I think someone might be stopping by, I wait until 6:00 or 7:00 (pm) to decide what’s for dinner (um, pizza?), and I leave clothes in the drying far too long. Ok, I do insist the towels are folded just so, but that’s about the extent of my OCD, on most days anyway. I’m not one to make a schedule, follow a schedule, or even desire a schedule. This may be the result of walking side by side with women who live by the schedule, trying to follow their wonderful example, failing time and again, only to drown in self condemnation.  Nope, I thrive on living for the moment and I welcome change because so many of my unplanned moments are just plain dull. And now I have digressed….

As we jogged away from the house and began a new course, I was slightly anxious about the unknown, yet excited about the change of pace. After only a few minutes, we began the difficult, slow trek up a dreaded hill. I try to avoid hills at all costs, yet here I was.  Thanks, hunny. Already the ‘stinkin thinking’ began its course; “I’m out of shape, I can’t do this hill.” “How far is he going to run?! I’ll never make it back home at this rate.” However, I countered with (insert something witty to counter stinkin thinkin) “This isn’t the worst hill ever.”“All I have to do is make it to the top.” And I could see the top! It wasn’t that far way and I rationalized that it must be downhill or at least level ground from there. And I was right. Well almost right. We did get an effortless, downhill breather, but it was short lived, as I glimpsed an even steeper, longer, more exaggerated hill just a few brief moments away. I was doomed. We had already gone two excruciating miles ascending the Myrtle Creek terrain, and I couldn’t fathom pushing myself even harder.

This was the moment of do or die. I envisioned myself sprawled out in defeat, flat on my back, attempting to suck in air, in the midst of a narrow, yet well traveled side road, being squashed by an oncoming car. I was forced to either let myself collapse, or push it even harder. So I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and pushed. Finally, we rounded the top of the hill, overcoming defeat, only to encounter yet another larger, steeper, impossible incline. In the end we pushed it all the way. We didn’t stop. We didn’t slow. We didn’t give in, or give up. Not until we made it back home. Ahhhhh, home! And the feeling of accomplishment and success.

Lately, I have been running, walking, no mostly crawling up hill after hill after hill. It seems that each hill I conquer offers only another steeper, harder, more impossible hill. And right now, forget the hills, I’m climbing a mountain and my fingers are slipping and I feel I’m about to fall headlong into the vast chasm of defeat. It seems hopeless, yet I continue pushing, clawing, grasping for anything that will help me reach the top of this impossible mount. Most days, the summit is beyond my scope of sight and my faith begins to diminish.  Some days I glimpse the coming peak, gaining confidence, and an ability not of myself. And once in a while I actually climb over that impossible mountain only to come face to face to an even larger, more unbearable mount, covered in thorns that scrape, bruise, and scar.

Even so, I thank God for each and every step. I thank Him that I can’t see the larger hills ahead which might only prevent me from climbing the one I’m currently ascending. I thank Him that He puts me in a place where I must rely on Him and His strength or be crushed in my own defeat. I thank Him that the summit ahead offers relief, even if for only a minute second. I thank Him that no matter how steep and rugged the mountain may be, I will overcome it because He already has. His strength is manifested in my weakness, and I am so weak! I want to give up. I want to turn around and walk off that hill. I want to! However, I must round peak after peak after peak after peak. I must push, grasp, and not give up. And right now I MUST NOT focus on the upcoming mountains. I know this one is preparing me for what I am not capable of accepting or climbing. His ways are perfect, His plans are flawless, and His sight is 20/20.

Lord, let my ways be Your ways. Let my plans be Your plans. Let my sight not hinder my faith. Strengthen me Lord, and help me to not give in or give up. Help me to trust You with my life, my children’s lives, my marriage, and our future. I thank You that I cannot see what is ahead and I beg you to get me through this season, victoriously.


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Curb That Hunger!

After returning home from the gym this morning, I was starving! I know I use that word loosely, since I have no idea what it’s like to truly starve, but my stomach seriously felt as if it were eating itself away. Maybe it would be more proper to say I was famished, ravenous, or simply HUNGRY. My mind and body were weak and tired and I knew I needed food immediately! However, NOTHING sounded the least bit appealing. I honestly couldn’t find or think of anything I wanted to eat. Fruit, yogurt, a sandwich, not even my favorite crackers and hummus or pumpkin pie sounded pleasing! Nope, nothing. Regardless, God designed our bodies to tell our brains when we have no energy and are in need of fuel, and my body was doing exactly that. So of course, I did what any rational person does, and fed it.

You know, I often have these same struggles during my ‘time’ with the Lord. Oh how I wish I could say I was super spiritual and that I hunger after His word daily. I want to say that every time I sit with Him, whether in the scriptures or in prayer, I am given a perfect word for whatever situation I am in. This is so untrue in my life. 

Have you ever craved a big greasy burger loaded with cheese, bacon, mayo, and a big fat white bun? Finish it off with fries on the side, and don’t forget the diet Pepsi (no Coke, please)!  When we give in to this craving, oh how that burger hits the spot and satisfies like nothing else could. Now I’m beginning to form an appetite!

Just as that burger satisfies our physical hunger, God’s Word satisfies our spiritual hunger. And you know what? So often I am spiritually famished, starving to be filled. Yet, I open my bible, turning to some of my favorite Psalms, a chapter in Proverbs, or one of my usual landing places, such as the book of James or Philippians, and I am left completely unsatisfied. God doesn’t seem to be speaking to me, His Word isn’t applying to my life, and I feel I am simply reading for reading’s sake. Know what I’m talking about?

What are we to do in this situation? How do we deal with times of ‘silence’ from the Word? When our spirit is hungry, yet God’s Word is undesirable, are we to just remain in our famished, ravenous state? Why, that would be as ridiculous as starving our body its necessary food simply because ‘nothing sounds enticing.’ Yet, how often do we do just that: go days upon days, or even months upon months without reading the Word because it’s not satisfying us the way we desire. That is utterly selfish, and I am guilty of such. Are you?

 I’m amazed at how much we do because of selfish ambition or gain. Why can’t I read the Word daily only because God says to (Josh 1:8); because it pleases my Father (2 Tim 2:15)? Why don’t I turn to it consistently because I know what I read will NOT return void (Isa 55:22) even if I feel it is unfruitful in my life at the moment?  I so desire to read God’s Word out of pure love and devotion to Him (John 14:23-24) rather than selfishly seeking to gain some revelation or special feeling that may not always be granted.  Jesus said if we are faithful in the little things, He will make us ruler over many things (Matt 25:21). Let’s start with this ‘little’ thing. Will you commit with me to read God’s Word every day for the next week, even if you are stuck reading for reading’s sake? It’s a small goal, and completely doable! Let’s do this together!

I have not departed from the commandment of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food.

-Job 23:12

To Everything There is a Season

It is said that our brains need about eight hours of sleep each night to receive maximum rejuvenation. It is also believed that a short 10-20 minute nap will revitalize the tired mind. However too much sleep at night, or napping longer than the allotted twenty minutes is likely to leave us unmotivated and lethargic. Of course, a little coffee will fix that problem (haha!), but only for a short time. Science also tells us that during times of rest and sleep all of our body’s muscles are allowed to grow, repair, and strengthen.

So, when I’m at the gym pumping iron, exerting myself on the elliptical, swimming laps in the pool, or running on the treadmill am I not strengthening my muscles? While persevering through two years of college courses and straining to help my daughter with Algebra, am I not benefitting my brain? This whole time all I really needed was sleep? Um, no! Don’t we all wish it were that simple! Unfortunately it’s not. Sadly, we must have a combination of both exercise and rest, and truth be told, the majority of us lack in one or both of these areas; we either don’t get enough sleep, don’t get enough exercise, or both.

La Cruz Sinaloa Mexico

Quite a few years ago, after multiple short term trips to Mexico, God called my family back for a five month “missionary” adventure. I was so excited, anticipating the opportunity to serve, minister, teach, encourage, do anything and everything for God’s kingdom! After all, that’s what we did during the short weeks we spent there previously. The reality of living in Mexico was far from my hopes and expectations. Yes, we were busy studying, teaching, reaching out to others, and sharing the Good News. However, the majority of my time was spent homeschooling my daughter, doing laundry (such a difficult task when you remove American conveniences), cleaning up after my sick son (Mexican parasites), and simply being a mom. I remember questioning “Why do You have me here, Lord? I surely could do all of THIS back home.” Little did I realize it was during this time that God was taking all the things He had taught me years prior and building them up. When I felt as if I were completely ineffective and useless, God was strengthening me in my faith, my beliefs, my relationship with Him; He was walking me higher up that Mountain!

Although we cannot feel, see, or sense our brains and muscles growing and developing at night, we know they are. We can also take comfort in the fact that He is at work in each of us whether we feel it or not, just as He was with me in Mexico. Nevertheless, we must not neglect the importance of both resting in Him and running hard for Him. Just as too much sleep and insignificant exercise leave us lethargic, running hard and neglecting those Red Light Moments will profoundly hinder our growth. What season of life are you in right now? Are you working those muscles, pushing as hard as you can push, letting Him stretch you beyond your capabilities? Or are you resting and allowing God to strengthen and rebuild?

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven… a time to break down, and a time to build up.

-Ecclesiastes 3:1,3

There is a Friend who Sticks closer than a Brother

 Upon arriving at the gym this morning, my cousin and I slowly forced ourselves onto the elliptical. We did our customary 5 minute warm-up and, rather than our usual routine, decided to stay on the machine longer.  As time S-L-O-W-L-Y crept by, we would think of something, anything to talk about that would expedite this whole ordeal.  We eventually got into a groove and at times weren’t even aware of the slow tick of the minute hand. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments she would say, “If you weren’t here I would be getting off this thing” and I couldn’t have agreed more! Regardless, because we were able to push and encourage each other, we stayed on that machine for a full thirty minutes. No, we were no Jillian, getting in each other’s faces yelling and cursing (Jillian never would have accepted a meager 30 minutes); most of the time we didn’t motivate each other with words at all. We were simply two likeminded women with similar goals who were there for each other.  Neither wanted to be the one to admit exhaustion; neither wanted to let the other down, both wanted desperately to reach that 30 minute mark. And we did, triumphantly!

As we walk, or jog, or run (heck sometimes we even have to crawl) through this life we call the Christian walk, I have experienced firsthand how important having likeminded friends and sisters are. There are times I want nothing more than to sit in my little house with my little family and be left alone because that is where I am most comfortable.  And, sadly there are seasons I do just that. However, the times I force myself to take that step, to have coffee with a friend, or get away for a weekend with a group of ladies, or commit to a weekly bible study, are some of my most encouraging stages in life.  These are the moments I am pressed, challenged, and motivated to push on in areas I never would on my own.

I am thankful God has given me my cousin for this season of life and that we hold each other accountable to simply put those tennis shoes on and get moving. I am thankful for the many likeminded sisters that spur me on to good works, encouraging me sometimes without a word, but simply by their presence. A dear sister recently posted on her blog regarding loving her children the way God desires; the way she desires. She concluded with the realization that she can accomplish this daily by simply praying for them. I was so encouraged by that!  So often I feel disappointment and regret with my lack of parenting skills, but this is something I can do daily! This is a way I can show and act out my unconditional love for them. This sister doesn’t even know it, but she spurred me on and encouraged me as a mother that day.

When I get a glimpse at where I once sat, and where I stand today, I thank God for the sisters that have held my hand and, when necessary, made me put my big girl panties on! We’ve laughed together and cried together; we’ve had times that were exhaustingly difficult and raw. I thank God for every moment and anticipate many more! Do you have one or more of these sisters?  Please share!  I would love to hear your stories of how God has moved in your life and brought you where you are today J

As iron sharpens iron,
So a [wo]man sharpens the countenance of [her] friend.

~Proverbs 27:17

Around and Around

The changes of seasons are sometimes beautiful and anxiously anticipated.  We look forward to the colors of fall, moving into a schedule with the new school year, and the coming of gathered family for the holidays. On the other hand, this new season can bring dreaded coldness and dryness distinctly unlike the drought of summer. We may begin moving about each day as if in some sort of trance, stuck in the daily grind of work, school, sports, laundry, dishes, only to tuck the kids in at night so we can wake and do it all over again. Oh the mundaness of it all. Hehe, my computer tells me ‘mundaness’ is not a word. It is obviously NOT a mother, because this word fits into my life day in and day out. Yours?


How about you?  Do you ever have that feeling of being stuck in a rut?  Ever feel as if you’re in a dry wilderness, gasping for a taste of God, a small drop of His presence, just a sip of His Word; struggling for life? Your soul thirsting for God, your flesh longing for Him, in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water (Ps 63:1). At times we feel as if we wander, gazing upon the mountain before us, longing for that mountaintop experience. We know we’ve been there before, long ago.  We remember the sensation; the same one Peter, James, and John must have felt as they stood atop that mount with the transfigured Lord of Lords (Matt 17). Looking back summons feelings of disgust at our current, parched situation.  “How did I get here again?  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I do it to You, Lord? Where have I gone wrong?” We may even plead with Him to take us from this place. 

Recently an elder of my home fellowship referred to this mountain in life in a sermon entitled Who are your Angels?. He described it as having a track around it and talked of walking around and around that track; around and around that mountain.  He went on to tell how he repeatedly saw the same scenery over and over again. In his frustrated and discouraged state he said, “He we are again, same old place, God.” Sound familiar?  I had to laugh as he shared only because I’ve been in the same place so many times myself. However, God responded to his cries of frustration, whispering, “No. Every time you go around that track you are higher on the mountain.”[1] This, my dear sister, was a drop of God’s presence for a thirsty soul. This was a sip of His Word that we so long for when in that place. God is faithful and sometimes we just need a change in perspective.

 The way of life winds upward for the wise,

That he may turn away from hell below.

~Proverbs 15:24

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[1] Terry Nelson – Sunday, Nov 6, 2011 “Who are your Angels?” http://camasfellowship.org/media/sermons/special/terrynelson11062011/