Saturday, February 11, 2012

It's Too Stinkin Hard


It’s the hills that bring on the ‘stinkin thinkin.’ It’s the difficult, seemingly impossible parts of the trail that beg me to give in, give up, and collapse in utter defeat. The hubby decided we’d take a new route this morning and I am all about change, because I rapidly grow tired of my ordinary, dull surroundings. In the first 12 years of our marriage, we moved 12 times. The act of rounding up boxes (you’d think I would have learned to keep them around), packing, relocating, and unpacking was dreadful EACH AND EVERY TIME, but I always anticipated the change.

I’m not the type that has an hourly or even daily schedule. I don’t require order, I usually clean when I think someone might be stopping by, I wait until 6:00 or 7:00 (pm) to decide what’s for dinner (um, pizza?), and I leave clothes in the drying far too long. Ok, I do insist the towels are folded just so, but that’s about the extent of my OCD, on most days anyway. I’m not one to make a schedule, follow a schedule, or even desire a schedule. This may be the result of walking side by side with women who live by the schedule, trying to follow their wonderful example, failing time and again, only to drown in self condemnation.  Nope, I thrive on living for the moment and I welcome change because so many of my unplanned moments are just plain dull. And now I have digressed….

As we jogged away from the house and began a new course, I was slightly anxious about the unknown, yet excited about the change of pace. After only a few minutes, we began the difficult, slow trek up a dreaded hill. I try to avoid hills at all costs, yet here I was.  Thanks, hunny. Already the ‘stinkin thinking’ began its course; “I’m out of shape, I can’t do this hill.” “How far is he going to run?! I’ll never make it back home at this rate.” However, I countered with (insert something witty to counter stinkin thinkin) “This isn’t the worst hill ever.”“All I have to do is make it to the top.” And I could see the top! It wasn’t that far way and I rationalized that it must be downhill or at least level ground from there. And I was right. Well almost right. We did get an effortless, downhill breather, but it was short lived, as I glimpsed an even steeper, longer, more exaggerated hill just a few brief moments away. I was doomed. We had already gone two excruciating miles ascending the Myrtle Creek terrain, and I couldn’t fathom pushing myself even harder.

This was the moment of do or die. I envisioned myself sprawled out in defeat, flat on my back, attempting to suck in air, in the midst of a narrow, yet well traveled side road, being squashed by an oncoming car. I was forced to either let myself collapse, or push it even harder. So I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and pushed. Finally, we rounded the top of the hill, overcoming defeat, only to encounter yet another larger, steeper, impossible incline. In the end we pushed it all the way. We didn’t stop. We didn’t slow. We didn’t give in, or give up. Not until we made it back home. Ahhhhh, home! And the feeling of accomplishment and success.

Lately, I have been running, walking, no mostly crawling up hill after hill after hill. It seems that each hill I conquer offers only another steeper, harder, more impossible hill. And right now, forget the hills, I’m climbing a mountain and my fingers are slipping and I feel I’m about to fall headlong into the vast chasm of defeat. It seems hopeless, yet I continue pushing, clawing, grasping for anything that will help me reach the top of this impossible mount. Most days, the summit is beyond my scope of sight and my faith begins to diminish.  Some days I glimpse the coming peak, gaining confidence, and an ability not of myself. And once in a while I actually climb over that impossible mountain only to come face to face to an even larger, more unbearable mount, covered in thorns that scrape, bruise, and scar.

Even so, I thank God for each and every step. I thank Him that I can’t see the larger hills ahead which might only prevent me from climbing the one I’m currently ascending. I thank Him that He puts me in a place where I must rely on Him and His strength or be crushed in my own defeat. I thank Him that the summit ahead offers relief, even if for only a minute second. I thank Him that no matter how steep and rugged the mountain may be, I will overcome it because He already has. His strength is manifested in my weakness, and I am so weak! I want to give up. I want to turn around and walk off that hill. I want to! However, I must round peak after peak after peak after peak. I must push, grasp, and not give up. And right now I MUST NOT focus on the upcoming mountains. I know this one is preparing me for what I am not capable of accepting or climbing. His ways are perfect, His plans are flawless, and His sight is 20/20.

Lord, let my ways be Your ways. Let my plans be Your plans. Let my sight not hinder my faith. Strengthen me Lord, and help me to not give in or give up. Help me to trust You with my life, my children’s lives, my marriage, and our future. I thank You that I cannot see what is ahead and I beg you to get me through this season, victoriously.


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10 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh, I so needed to hear this today. I too have been struggling with the hills I have been climbing and yet another bigger, steeper one lays ahead. I thank you for your words that have given me some peace today. Love you, Mom

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    1. Isn't it encouraging to know we are not alone in the trek up life's hills. :) Love you!

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  2. This blog was such an encouragement for me! I, too, having been feeling like I go from one mountain to another, each seemingly more difficult. As I bring my sorrows and inadequacies to the Lord, he has been leading me to that place where I can thank Him for putting me "in a place where I must rely on Him and His strength or be crushed in my own defeat."

    Sometimes I just want to give up when I'm faced with one trial after another after another. But you're right. The beauty in our struggles is the fact that Jesus is our strength. Hard times are opportunities to trust and glorify Him by how we choose to respond. He is getting us "in shape", molding us to be more and more like Christ.

    So thankful for the reminder that we all struggle but can find hope and endurance as we give those struggles to the Lord.

    Miss you,
    Rachel

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    1. He is soooo GOOD! I heard a song this morning that reminded me 'the joy of the Lord is our strength.' Amen! If I can find that JOY in each of these struggles, then I find His strength. He is bringing us through storms and up mountains, strengthening and preparing us. I am so thankful!
      So glad to 'see' you, Rachel! I miss you too! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!

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  3. Wow Steph, I believe you have just described my current life as well, I can sooo relate to this climb. Thank you for your words of encouragement, and the awesome reminder of Gods strength in our lives. I can never hear it enough and it seems I hear it most when I forget and fall away from Gods Grace and Forgiveness. So again, THANKS!!! Trisha L.

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    1. You are so welcome, Trisha, and thanks so much for stopping by, commenting, and sharing my page with others! You've blessed me! Whenever we walk away from receiving His goodness, He pursues us stronger and stronger. Praise God if He attempts to use me to remind you of His grace and forgiveness- that it is ALWAYS there. God bless you, Trisha :)

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  4. That is so what I needed to hear! Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed, but then I think I am going through these struggles for a reason and they are preparing me for the next...I would so much rather have struggle after struggle and keep improving each time and looking back thinking "I can't believe I got through that!" and feel proud of myself than to live a metiocre life with no obstacles and not even know what I am missing out on. God has definitely given u a gift with words, so please keep them coming! :) u will help others more than u know! Thanks for the reminder and for sharing your thoughts! God is truly working in u and it is wonderful! Definitely inspiring! He wouldn't put us through the trials if he didn't think we could handle it...like u said he is molding and shaping us...thank God for that! -Jessica Bull

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    1. Definately! Every struggle, tear, overwhelming moment- He has orchastrated for His good purpose. This truth is the only thing that allows me to find joy in the storm. He knew these mountains were ahead, He allowed me to come upon them at exactly the right time, and His plan in them is PERFECT! To bring us out as gold refined by fire and water, reflecting the image of our Lord. And He allows us to look back and say "I can't believe I got through that!" Amen!
      I'm so blessed you stopped by, Jessica! I pray you are blessed by God today and strengthened in the midst of your struggles :) Hope to 'see' you again real soon!

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  5. Love the picture ; ) Been missing your face and your posts lately; glad to 'see' you again.
    One thing to think on: each hill makes your lungs stronger, allowing you to run farther, faster, longer. Allowing you to breath deeper in His grace. You don't want a flat life, and you always have someone to run hills with. Love you!

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    1. I miss you too, Tresta! I love that-'allowing you to breath deeper in His grace.' This is what I want! I have to admit, once in a while I want a flat life, just like I want to run on a flat surface, but the hills are what build endurance and reveal supernatural strength. And praise God I always have someone running with me! I also have those who have scaled the mountain before me and can encourage me, cheer me on, pray me through it, grab my hand and pull me up, or hold the rope so that I don't fall. I love God, and I love the people He has placed in my life. Where would I be without you all!?
      Thanks, Tresta!

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